The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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