So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
