It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
ugly people sure do ruin things
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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