thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
