there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
