They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
