batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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