haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
