my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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