his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
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the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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