Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
