Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
