Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
