Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
