I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You took a bar mat shot.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
