God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
