i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
