my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
