so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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