between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
