I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
