dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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