i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They are going to name an STD after you.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
