I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
