its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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