apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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