I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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