Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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