textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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