My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
