I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
