so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
