I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
