Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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