you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
