I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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