i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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