i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
