Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
