I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
