you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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