your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
