I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
