I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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