Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
