i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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