watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My balls are so social today.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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