Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
