It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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