my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
whose parrot is this?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
