you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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