she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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