Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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