I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
