i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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