Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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