Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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