i think my mom watched the whole time
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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