New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
