Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
