I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
