and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
