it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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