so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
