I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
bring money and cleavage
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
