I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
