my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
