so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
