Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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